At this point, I think this whole anthony thing may be more than I can handle. I don't like this feeling of up and down, happy then sad, assurance then confusion. Everything is throwing me off and I really don't like feeling this way. When you add up all the clues, hints, and inferences...the answer all lead to the fact that he does like me. But when I'm around him, he's definitely different. I don't know if it's the stress or what but he's been acting different towards me recently and it's been kinda tough on me cause it confuses me even more.
After last weekend, I was sure that he felt the same way because of everything that happened. I know that he's been incredibly busy recently what with school, work, and the magazine and everything...but sometimes it feels like he's just being weird around me. I don't know if that's just how he is or if he's just nervous, but it's honestly starting to annoy me. I mean seriously, I know it hasn't been that long since we've gotten back (about a month and a week or something), but I feel like this game has been going on since I first laid eyes on him back in February. I don't know, I just feel like if he's not going to make a move soon then I'm just going to move on and be over it. Everyone asks me why don't I just make a move first and honestly, I'm too adamant about keeping my dignity at this point that I don't even want to try. I'm not the type of person who will just throw herself at a guy and think that it's okay. But then again I feel like if I do just try something on him, it may end up settling my thoughts. If he's in to it, then good...but if not then I can begin the process of getting over him.
I dont know, I've just been really depressed recently and I just don't feel like myself. In front of everyone I'm usually a happy ball of energy, but behind closed doors I'm a wreck. This doesn't even all have to do with Tony and that whole situation, but I'm just homesick and lonely here. I haven't gotten my court date yet, I feel constantly confused and alone, I'm not doing too well in my classes, I've been gaining weight, etc. I don't want to go home but at the same time I don't want to stay here. I just want to move far away from everybody I know and drown all of my thoughts out. Maybe it's just the seasonal depression kicking in.
I feel like it's really hard for me to write in any form of journal recently because I don't know how to describe things. All of the things that I go through here are constantly intense or dramatic or hysterical or I don't even know. All I know is that I'm still getting used to being back here and I am neither happy nor sad about all of this. I'm just...undecided I suppose. I'll just update you on certain aspects of life.
Recently, I feel like I've been trying to relive freshman year too much. Last year was just so absolutely crazy and fun that it's hard to get over it and start a new year. Most of the time whenever I talk to my friends, all we do is reminisce about last year and how amazing it was. I haven't been partying too much, which is a good thing I feel. I got pretty damn drunk my first weekend back, but ever since being back I've become kind of a stoner. I don't know what it is, my friends I suppose, I dont know. I think I just have to remember that it's only been the first 2 weeks back and that things are going to change dramatically from here on out. When I think of how different the beginning of my freshman year was compared to the end of it, I don't even know how to begin comparing the two.
One big thing that I've been pondering about recently is my relationship with my friend Justin. For those who don't know much about him, Justin was the first friend I made here at UMass last year, the first boy I liked here, the first boy I hooked up with, and the first boy who totally crushed me afterwards. I feel like I've been through a lot with him in terms of our friendship and I've been from completely smitten with him to feeling utter hatred for him. Anyways, we've been best friends here for almost over a year now and he means a lot to me but many times, my love for him is easily interpreted as hatred. I feel like I'm the only person who is able to ever set him straight or stand up to him because most people just take his bullshit. Last night though, I went a little extreme with "setting him straight." I was a little drunk already and he had been complaining a lot throughout the night, fuckin bitch bitch bitch, that's all he does. And I was already in a pissed off mood and pretty tipsy and he took my cigarette from my mouth and I ended up slapping him across the face...like to the point where there was a hand mark on his face. He seemed pretty shocked about it cause it was like a wake up call, but I still felt pretty bad about it. We got in an argument (as always) but we made up afterwards, I feel like that's all we ever do. Like that time he screamed "why don't you go blow some more coke?!" and then I was like "yeah well enjoy your 40z asshole!" and then 5 minutes later we were laughing and hugging again.
Ashley told me today "there seems to be a lot of weird sexual tension between you and justin all the time," which I don't really agree with but I guess I can kinda see it. Sometimes I adore him and sometimes I want to straight up murder him. I feel like we're a volatile pair and that most of the time we're just too gay to have a normal friendship. I've been finding myself kind of attracted to him recently, but I think it's all physical because when I hang out with him I realize what a boy he is and the attraction instantly goes away. I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're such a good match because of the way we are with each other but most of the time I just think he's ridiculous and he could be nothing but a platonic friend. I dont know, things are weird.
So I finally contacted Anthony last week and he told me to give him a call soon. It's been about a week and I'm still nervous about contacting him but I feel like if I don't then it's just gonna make me look like a bitch. Caitlin convinced me to contact him maybe tomorrow, I'm still thinking about it but I'll probably do it just to get it over with because I don't want to live like this forever you know? I mean I honestly haven't been thinking about him too much recently and I know we both don't feel the way we used to about each other because it's been a long time, but I kinda just want to hang out with him and see what's going on. I don't know, I'm confused about him.
Transitioning is still a bitch.
Traci and Maria came up from Tyngsboro to visit for the day and I saw many old friends and acquaintances that I hadn't seen in forever. Honestly, it feels surreal being back here in both a good and bad way. Seeing all these people and being in this environment really does remind me that I basically have like two different lives here and back in california. I am bad at transitioning but I know that once again, I'm gonna have to do it now that I'm back here.
The past few days I have been spending most of my time with my old floormates from van meter last year. I think I've realized that the people who mean the most to me there are the ones who get me and who like me for who I am. I met countless of people last year who were nice and enjoyable, but who I never really found myself too comfortable around. That whole weekend party hipster crowd is fun for awhile, but then you start to realize that nobody in that group really knows each other that well and that they're all just too worried about their images. I dont know, I'd rather just spend time with people who I don't have to worry about how I look like in front of. The ones who have seen me without makeup and know that I live in pjs and who have seen me at my highest and worst.
Walking around campus yesterday I saw a billion people from last year though. I was a little bummed the first day back because I didn't really recognize anybody around campus because a lot of my friends moved off campus. But yesterday I like couldn't escape anyone, ahaha. Anyways, I have class in about 15 minutes so I really should hurry. Toodles!
I'm aware that all my entries so far have just been "what i did today" entries, but I'll write something more meaningful in here soon. Until then, you (whoever you may be) are just gonna have to deal with it.
I went to this art gallery with Nick tonight in downtown which featured this band with a belligerent drummer dressed in nothing but a loincloth and an elephant mask. He was also playing his drums with fake bones, entertaining indeed. We had dinner at this chic restaurant in Little Tokyo called Sohoju & the waitress (who could've been straight out of an anime) was amazed by my polaroid camera. "It's a miracle!" she exclaimed as I snapped a shot of their various sake bottles. I've never been so relaxed in a restaurant before. Sipping on pomegranate wine & chewing on delicious korean delicacies whilst listening to sweet bossa nova melodies. But then the restaurant started playing the Lion King soundtrack so that kinda ruined the atmosphere. After I was jtown-ed out, we ended up at Vasco's house & watched this Kurosawa movie called Stray Dog.
This 35 degree California winter is bullshit. My bones are chilly!
I spent the better half of my night last night listening to The Beatles with my lips & fingers wrapped around a warm cup of hot chocolate. It was thoroughly enjoyable if I say so myself.
Anyways, today was quite an adventure. Sandy and I made our way down to Hollywood/Vine & ended up walking like six blocks in order to get to Hollywood/Highland because I'm retarded and I didn't realize the metro stopped there. Honestly, the only thing worth mentioning about what happened in Hollywood today was the fact that we got FREE MAKEOVERS at Sephora by Oscar Blandi. Man, oh man, am I in love with him & his hair products. We also got our makeup done by Lorac makeup artists as part of the promotion, but they manage to make me look like a 70s coke whore so I wasn't really diggin' that. Oh, & I totally embaressed myself at American Apparel today, but WHATEVER. Afterwards, we met up with Jen and I got breakfast (for dinner) at IHOP and then headed over to Dan's house.
Unfortunately Girl Talk is sold out for tomorrow, damnation! But I suppose a good hang out session with a few old friends will result in good times as well. But honestly, I'm ready to get the fuck back to Amherst. My sanity (not to mention patience) has been slowly deteriorating during this 5 week break.
I don't exactly know why I'm starting another one of these things, but why the hell not. Since my LJ is omgz so exclusive & no one can read it unless i've added you, this will serve as a petty attempt at a public journal & to share music. Plus the layouts here are pretty sweet.
Hey, put your stunna shades on.
t.rex: http://www.sendspace.com/file/jba8s9
girl talk: http://www.sendspace.com/file/22vbxi
It is vital that you take this, I'm not even kidding. You will thank me later.
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